How Telling our Children they are Good at Something can be a Bad Idea!

It’s likely that you have either been to a Parents’ Evening lately or you’ll be attending one soon. My teenager is just a couple of months away from her GCSEs now (Eek!) and so we logged onto the online Year 11 Parents’ Consultations with pen and paper at the ready to make a note of all the advice her teachers may have for the last few weeks of revision.

All the teachers were encouraging, supportive and knowledgable, and even though we only had five minutes per appointment, it was really beneficial to just check in and see how they felt things were going.

But then my daughter’s Chemistry teacher started to encourage her to tell herself how good she is at the subject.

“You’re really good at Chemistry”.

Of course, this was meant with support and kindness, but I could see the pressure building in my daughter’s eyes, and I started to feel uncomfortable.

Whenever we tell our children something about themselves, they internalise it to a certain extent, and that includes seemingly positive branding which can actually lead to extreme pressure.

It makes sense that a child who has been told they are rubbish at something gives up, pretends not to care and lacks confidence - but what I see over and over when coaching young people, is the paralysis which comes from expectations.

A child who is told they are really good at something may initially beam with pride and joy, but when they are repeatedly told ‘you’re so good at Art’, ‘Sport is your thing’, ‘you’re a Maths person’, they are being encouraged to get stuck in fixed mindset.

Of course as adults this is the last thing we mean to do - we just want to encourage our kids and show them how proud of them we are. The trouble is, that kid who has grown up believing they are ‘so smart’ and ‘so great at Chemistry’ will hold themselves to very high expectations, and the day they struggle with the thing they are supposed to be so great at, is the day they start to doubt themselves and get frustrated.

A common reaction I see in young people in this situation is overwhelm. They explain that they are supposed to do well at this this subject and everyone expects them to do well. They are fearful of failure, fearful of letting people down, fearful of messing up - and this leads to so much internal pressure and anxiety that they are unable to focus or manage their time effectively - inevitably leaving their work to the last minute and getting it done in a frenzied panic the night before.

Sound familiar?

So what can we do instead to show our pride and support?

There are some subtle differences in our wording which can make all the difference between growth and fixed mindset.

Try these phrases out to promote resilience, contentment and a joy for the process:

1. Well done, you worked really hard on that.

2. I believe in you.

3. You’re on the right track.

4. How can we problem solve together?

5. What did you learn from the process?

6. How can you find out?

7. Who can you ask to help you?

8. I’m so proud of how you’re tackling this.

9. I’m really impressed by the effort you’ve put in.

10. FAIL stands for First Attempt in Learning

Here’s to enjoying the journey!